Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Isabelle Butker Stoned To Death For Receiving Unsolicited Job Offer
As is tradition with the strict Butker belief system, sources close to the situation report that Mrs. Isabelle Butker was laid to rest Thursday by hundreds and hundreds of hurled
To Maintain Views For The Big Fight, Jake Paul Calls Out Goku
Jake Paul, in lieu of his postponed fight with Mike Tyson, has challenged the next greatest fighter on Earth: champion of the 23rd World Martial Arts Tournament and Super Saiyan,
In Memoriam: The NHL 1917 – 1924
Today marks the 100 year anniversary of the death of the greatest “hockey” league the world had ever seen. The NHL, or “National Hockey League,” in its time was reportedly
Report: Expert Legal Team Gets O.J. Into Heaven
Football legend O.J. Simpson was acquitted from Hell this week after a long, highly contentious and publicized trial in the deepest bowels of the Netherworld, Los Angeles County. Analysts agree
Opinion: Babe Ruth Didn’t Need Steroids To Be Great, He Just Needed Hard Work And Systemic Racism
People these days. Everyone wants to talk about Josh Gibson all of a sudden. I have two words for you: Babe. Ruth. Hitters these days, too… People say, “What about
Isabelle Butker Receives PH.D. In Astrophysics After Years Of Studying In Secret
In a surprise announcement apparently a decade in the making, NFL spouse and model Isabelle Butker, announced that she had successfully defended the dissertation she had been secretly working on
Mr. Met Leaves Wife For Hot, Young Wiffle Ball
Mr. Met has left his wife of 22 years for a bright young new Wiffle Ball named Tiffany. The split was confirmed by Mr. and Mrs. Met in a public
Opinion: Oh, You Support Women’s Sports? Name All 48 WNBA Teams
With the influx of new so-called “fans” watching the WNBA, we’ve been challenged as WNBA loyalists, to weed out the bandwagoners from the true believers. Do YOU even care about
It’s Mother’s Day! Don’t Forget To Call Your Mom The C-Word By: Aaron Rodgers
I get it – we’re all busy. Chores this, chores that – hell, some of us are even carrying the entire weight of a hopeless franchise on our backs. But
