Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Dak Prescott Predicts NFC Championship Run, NFL Reviewing Film For Severe Hit To Head
The blue tent is coming out early this year for Cowboys gunslinger Dak Prescott. After announcing to reporters that America’s Team is “primed for a deep playoff run,” the QB
Aaron Rodgers Demanding To Know Why He’s Not Being Considered For NFL Coach Of The Year
As NFL award battles begin to heat up, the season’s top contenders are all but set. Unless one were to ask Aaron Rodgers, who is yet again furiously insisting he
Sports Riot Update: Our Keyboard Physically Won’t Let Us Type “Fwirst Placet Bearbs”
At Sports Riot, we try to cover the NFL season as closely as possible. However, we’ve run into a bit of a problem: despite them currently leading the NFC North,
Dan Campbell Reminded By Staff He Doesn’t Need To Mercy-Kill Injured Players
Detroit’s artificial turf is quickly becoming a killing field as the Lions’ staff struggles to convince Dan Campbell, a head coach famous for making gutsy calls, that he doesn’t need
Cam Skattebo’s Father Revealed To Be Crash Test Dummy
Ever since Cam Skattebo cannonballed into the NFL with few words and many headbutts, millions of football fans have found unity in one question — “What’s this guy’s deal?” Now,
Jets Announcers Under Mistaken Impression ‘Garbage Time’ Refers To All Four Quarters
Jets radio announcers Bob Wischusen and Anthony Becht spent the entirety of Sunday’s broadcast referring to every moment of play as “garbage time” a term that refers the closing minutes
Manning Family Forcing Arch To Change Last Name To “Leaf”
Squeezing into Arch’s Texas dorm room, family members gathered to deliver some unfortunate news – the sophomore quarterback from a long lineage of excellence will soon be donning a lesser
Punter Wishes Just Once Fans Would Cheer When He Comes Out
Miami Dolphins’ Jake Bailey has had enough. For years, he’s watched offenses, defense, field goal kickers, cheerleaders, army veterans, and inflatable Dolphins all get cheered on an NFL field. Just
Cam Skattebo Gnaws Off Own Foot To Expedite Recovery Time
Giants fans were crushed to see star running back Cam Skattebo go down with a horrifically brutal ankle injury, one that would surely end his season, possibly his career. However,
