Zac Taylor Wondering If Someone Forgot To Tell Him He’s Fired

As coaches in the AFC North fell, one man was left standing: Zac Taylor. He doesn’t have the rings or reputation of former rivals John Harbaugh and Mike Tomlin. He hasn’t made the playoffs in three years, even with a generational quarterback. So as Super Bowl buzz has now gone, the Bengals coach looked around and wondered, “Did someone forget to tell me I’m fired?”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” remarked Taylor, nervously buying a shopping cart full of Viagra and booze on his Bengals company card. 

“Some days you spot a rope on the side of a ship and think nothing. Some days you look at the rope and see failure,” commented Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow, when asked if he knew whether Taylor was still his coach. “And some days you see your reflection, a version of the world without you where things are right… I’m sorry, what was the question? Please trade me.”

Insiders say Taylor entered Cincinnati’s offices seeking answers, only to find a ghost town: a defensive coordinator’s “out of office” sign left since 2022. An unfilled General Manager’s office after five years, still with hundreds of unused “you gotta Benga-lieve” embroidered post-its.  There was only Taylor.

“Were they ever real? Did I dream them up like when I dreamed Joe threw that touchdown to win Super Bowl LVI as my beautiful wife Sabrina Carpenter tells me I’m more of a man than Aaron Donald?” 

“No,” he said after a contemplative swig, still completely alone in the Cincinnati Bengals’ facility. “I’m pretty sure that happened.”