Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Allegiant Stadium To Stop Serving Cocaine After 3rd Quarter
The Las Vegas Raiders, committed to both excellence and the safety of fans, have informed guests at Allegiant Stadium of their newest policy. Moving forward, Allegiant Stadium will stop serving
7 Objects You Should Never Ejaculate on During the National Anthem
Over the past few years there have been a lot of questions of what you can and can’t do during the national anthem. We’re here to help–here are 7 things
Aww! Meet Andy Reid’s New Emotional Support Sandwich
Sorry, spicy chicken nuggets, but it’s chopped brisket that has the football world head over heels as Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid debuted his adorable new emotional support
Analysts Say Team Can Avoid Elimination by Winning Game
With the big matchup just days away, leading sports analysts have clearly done their homework because they are confidently telling viewers that one of the teams can avoid elimination by
How’d That Happen? Smarter Team Loses College Football Game
In what can only be described as an upset of great magnitude, our Harvard Crimson Football team lost to Florida State 49-0, despite Harvard holding a superior edge in academic
God Struggling To Come Up With Quests To Keep Tim Tebow Busy
After turning to his Heavenly Father for the umpteenth time for guidance after getting cut from the Jacksonville Jaguars, Tim Tebow has exhausted nearly all of God’s quests to keep
Challenge Flag A Real Blow To Ref’s Self-Esteem
As an NFL official, Jerome Boger expects the rulings he makes on the field to be just that, official. For that reason it was a real blow to his self-esteem
5 Best Ballparks for Cheating on Your Dying Wife So She’ll Never Find Out—Oh, God, She’s Looking Through My Texts with Her Frail Fingers
So you want to cheat on your terminally ill wife? You’ve come to the right place. I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 ballparks for doing exactly that —
Even Bird-Watchers Not Interested In Falcons Game
Several of Georgia’s most prominent bird-watchers admitted they had a tough time maintaining interest during last week’s Falcons games, despite normally enjoying hours of tedious spectating. The group, who scheduled
