Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Man Still Considers Self Athletic Despite Not Believing In Organized Sports
In American, there has been a rapid fall of young men not committing themselves to the field of athletics. For example, 24 year old Julius Grey, despite his peak physical
Recently Fired Cop Gets Choked Out In First Three Seconds Of New MMA Career
After being fired for police brutality, disgraced cop Keith Leinhardt has transitioned into a new career as an MMA fighter and was promptly choked out immediately in his first match.
Man With JetPack Shatters Pole Vault World Record By 2,080 Feet
During a dramatic track-and-field World Championship last weekend, Russian star Boris “the Falcon” Sokolov shattered the pole vault world record by a stunning 2,080 feet. Sokolov soared well over the
What Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Got Wrong About Kidnapping Dan Marino
How many could we list? A lowly local pet detective would have access to Dan Marino like that? These kidnappers were found by a guy with that hair? The kidnappers’
Top Three Things “The Last Dance” Got Wrong About Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse
While providing riveting behind-the-scenes footage from the Bulls’ ’97-’98 season, “The Last Dance” showed clear bias toward the inner workings of Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse. Here are the top three things
Sport Illustrated KIDS: Swimsuit Edition Pulled From Shelves
After one of the most catastrophic PR miscalculations in recent history, Sports Illustrated KIDS has decided to pull their child-themed Swimsuit edition in response to public outrage.⠀ The issue’s content,
Fuck It: Lions Punt on First Down
After winning the opening coin toss and electing to receive the ball the Lions immediately went into punt formation and returned the ball to the opposition, a play they repeated
Man Explaining Onside Kicks Must Be Crushing First Date
Romantic prospect analysts are reporting that local bachelor Jeffrey Dodson is absolutely crushing his first date with a woman through his detailed explanation of onside kicks and effective strategies. According
Here’s A List Of The Cowardly MLB Players Unwilling To Die For Your Entertainment
With the MLB set to move into the playoffs and the season well underway, most fans and athletes are chomping at the bit for more and more baseball. However, some
