Here’s A List Of The Cowardly MLB Players Unwilling To Die For Your Entertainment

With the MLB set to move into the playoffs and the season well underway, most fans and athletes are chomping at the bit for more and more baseball. However, some selfish sluggers are more than happy to let you wallow in quarantine boredom in order to protect their personal “health and wellbeing.” Without further ado, here are some of the disgraceful cowards unwilling to die for your entertainment:

1. Mike Leake, P, Diamondbacks—Mike “Leaky” Leake, nicknamed for his tendency to piss his pants whenever he’s frightened, was the first MLB player to opt out of the 2020 season. Leaky will be forfeiting $15 million dollars by bitching out—money that could have easily covered his medical bills if he were to contract COVID-19 during the season. Coward.

2. Joe Ross, P, Nationals—This millennial pitcher is refusing to play despite the fact that, at 27-years-old, he’s far less likely to die from the virus than to merely suffer lifelong organ damage. Only a true coward would value lung functionality over going to war with his teammates. Coward.

3. Nick Markakis, OF, Braves—Picture a man lying on the ground in fetal position, crying out for his mommy. That’s pretty much exactly what Nick Markakis looked like when he announced to the world that he’d be sitting this season out. Seriously, what a fucking baby. Coward.

4. Welington Castillo, C, Nationals—While Castillo’s jersey may say “Nationals”, it should say “National Disgrace”, because that’s exactly what he is. Castillo opted out of the season even though he plays the only position that wears a mask on the field. Wow, coward.