Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
You Asked, We Delivered: Mark Davis’ Tips For Mind-Blowing, Toe-Curling Sex
Finally – the NFL’s Black Friday Special! We’ve been waiting all year for this! But yet – there are a few unanswered questions that we KEEP getting bombarded with. Comment
Opinion: I Don’t Get Hard Watching Football Anymore
I used to have a full stiffy for all four hours of the Sunday football game, now I turn on the “game” and I don’t even get a twitch from
Fuck: Aaron Rodgers Picking Up His Guitar
Aaron Rodgers has reportedly killed the vibe of training camp yet again today after the superstar quarterback halted practice to pick up his acoustic guitar and gather the offense around
O-Lineman Opens Up About Lifelong Struggle With Human-Sized Toilets
Speaking from his home bathroom in Haverford, Pennsylvania, Monday, former Eagles offensive lineman Jason Kelce finally broke the decades-long silence about NFL his battle between human-sized toilets and giant-sized bodies.
New Law Requires Registered Arena Football Fans To Identify Themselves To Neighbors
Congress passed a new law Friday requiring all current and former Arena Football fans to identify themselves to neighbors within a 300-foot radius of their home. The Senate approved the
Bill Belichick Asks 40-Year-Old Daughter What 24-Year-Olds Are Into These Days
Despite being cool enough to land a twenty-something at 72, former Patriots head coach Bill Belichick turned to his 40-year-old daughter to fill in any knowledge gaps about what 24-year-olds
Report: Sandy Koufax Voted For Kamala—Does That Help?
Hey Harris fans. So, we bet you’re feeling down in the dumps this week. Between people laughing about “owning the Libs” on TikTok, to hearing your cousin in Oregon swear
We Debate: Should Society Allow Special Teams Players To Have And Raise Children?
As we enter another voting day, there is no doubt our society, even the famously non-progressive NFL, has made huge strides towards inclusivity. But when it comes to Special Teams
Bracketologists Warn U.S. Bracket Supply May Be Depleted By 2035
The nation’s top bracketologists are sounding the alarm that the national bracket supply will be completely gone in less than a decade. These brave scientists have warned the public for
