Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Adam Silver Accidentally Wins Jumbotron’s Voldemort Look-Alike Contest
In a case of a harmless look-alike contest gone wrong, Adam Silver was shown on the jumbotron next to a picture of Lord Voldemort while perched in the rafters observing
‘All Dogs Go To Heaven’ And 5 Other Films Gronk Thinks Got Passed Over For The Oscar
Sports Riot sat down with former tight end and noted film connoisseur Rob Gronkowski to get his take on the biggest snubs in Oscar history. Drawing from classic cinema to
Report: Aaron Rodgers Will Not Commit To A Peaceful Transfer Of Power
In what many watchdogs are calling a disturbing deviation from standard NFL norms, sources from inside the Jets organization are reporting that quarterback Aaron Rodgers has not indicated he will
Rays To Rebuild Tropicana Field Just In Time For 2026 Hurricanes
After enduring what officials deemed “significant but repairable” structural damage to Tropicana Field during Hurricane Milton, the Tampa Bay Rays front office said in a statement on Friday that the
How To Fuck Your Way To The Top Of Your Office Fantasy Football League
The office fantasy football league is cutthroat, which is why you’re going to deep-throat your way into the playoffs. When your team sucks, you start blowing. When the going gets
Rehab Doctor Also Giving Deshaun Watson Shock Therapy Just To See What It Does
Deshaun Watson, star quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, is currently and crucially mid-rehab-assignment for his $200Mil achilles. Watson’s rehab physician, Dr. Faker Mayfield M.D., has built a modern turnaround schedule
Report: London Vows to Retaliate Against America if They Keep Sending Jacksonville Jaguars
Tensions are mounting between London and the United States after the UK’s Prime Minister issued a stark warning claiming they will be left with no other choice but to retaliate
Robert Saleh Update: His Succulent Has Reached “Peak Succulence”
While the beat goes on for the NY Jets and NFL, many around the league can’t help but wonder what ex-NY Jets coach Robert Saleh is up to. Since the
Still Got It! Jay Cutler Intercepted By Police
Jay Cutler, former NFL quarterback, was intercepted by Tennessee police early last night, sources say. Although a first of Cutler’s record(s), officers on the scene noted something different about this
