Robert Saleh Update: His Succulent Has Reached “Peak Succulence”

While the beat goes on for the NY Jets and NFL, many around the league can’t help but wonder what ex-NY Jets coach Robert Saleh is up to.

Since the New York Jets decided that Saleh should be “repotted,” as he says, Salah has committed his entire schedule to coaching, mentoring, and ensuring his succulent reaches its full potential.

Sources close to Saleh are reporting that the ex-coach has just reached a significant milestone! Reportedly, Saleh’s Echeveria Mebina succulent has just become the “most succulentiest” it will ever be. A feat not without significant preparation and sacrifice.

Saleh’s rigorous and specialized daily routine starts first thing in the morning at 11:30 a.m. After breakfast, he admires his prized succulent he affectionately named “Aaron Succs,” laughs uncontrollably at video of NY Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers getting sacked. Then he mists Aaron Succs in silence, uses a ghost account to berate Aaron Rodgers’ DM’s, moves Aaron Succs’ nubs up and down for “strength training,” and ends the day with a long meditation of tantric crying.

“It hasn’t been easy, I really thought it was all over when Aaron Succs pulled a tendril just after I traded for him from Target,” Saleh said on Friday at a homemade podium to his wife doing laundry and their sleeping dogs.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck while Saleh and Aaron Succs were doing cardio in the former Jets coach’s front yard. Aaron Rodgers scrambled up from behind the two, ripped the succulent out of its pot, and ate it and kept running. Sources close to the situation are reporting that Rodgers mistook it for Peyote, but can’t be 100% sure that he didn’t just eat a plant to eat a plant because it’s f*cking Aaron Rodgers.

 

Join us next week as we dive deeper into Robert Saleh’s “Ship In Bottle” Sundays!