Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Is Dan Snyder The NFL’s Biggest Monster Or Is That Title Shared With 75 Other People?
We all know that Dan Snyder, the Washington Football Team’s owner, is an irredeemable scumbag. But is Dan “the-racist-human-trafficking-man” Snyder really worthy of the top spot in the NFL’s All
Opinion: I’m Not Your Everyday Alcoholic; I’m A Sports Journalist
Whenever I’m at a game trying to buy more than the two drinks per-purchase at the concession stand or downing a shot or four each inning or getting kicked out
City Of Jacksonville Invites Urban Meyer On Ominous Trip To The Everglades
Amidst an underwhelming season thus far, the city of Jacksonville invited head coach Urban Meyer on an ominous “once-in-a-lifetime” trip to the Florida Everglades. Mayor Lenny Curry, who showed up
Kirk Cousins Throws 17 Interceptions After ‘Doing Own Research’ On Opposing Defense
Vikings fans were dealt a devastating blow on Sunday, as quarterback Kirk Cousins threw 17 interceptions against San Francisco following promises to do his “own research” on the 49ers’ defense.
Washington Commanders Hire Jon Gruden As Head Coach
After only being out of coaching since October 2021, Jon Gruden has landed another NFL head coaching role. According to NFL insiders, in what can only be called the biggest
Do The Lions Have The Best Practice Squad In Detroit?
There’s no better feeling than coming across a hole-in-the-wall restaurant that offers the best food in the city that no one knows about. Except, of course, finding the best practice
Hear Us Out: Term Limits For Quarterbacks
Quarterbacks hold an important position in American society. Far more Americans look to Patrick Mahomes for leadership than George Washington. However, unlike presidents, quarterbacks can serve in their roles indefinitely.
Fuck It: Lions Decide To Keep Playing Season
As the season progresses and the Lions continue to struggle, Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell announced Monday during his morning media availability that the team has decided to keep
How To Save Your Sex Life When Your Entire Fantasy Team Is Injured
We’re deep into the NFL season. Your beloved fantasy team has been rocked by injuries and your marriage is falling apart. What do you do? Luckily, we’ve got the guide
