Opinion: I’m Not Your Everyday Alcoholic; I’m A Sports Journalist

Whenever I’m at a game trying to buy more than the two drinks per-purchase at the concession stand or downing a shot or four each inning or getting kicked out after puking on a mascot, I have to remind everyone that I’m not some common alcoholic — I’m a sports journalist. 

An everyday alcoholic doesn’t need to drink to get their job done like me, a consummate professional. When I have a 500-word article due online by 1 a.m. about a mid-season Pittsburgh Pirates game, you bet I’m doubling down on double malt Scotch — doubled — with a double-vision chaser. Duty calls and this is what it takes to get the job done. I’m a workaholic.  

You think covering 17 football games is easy? Try being a Lions correspondent. TRY. Before games, I need to guzzle at least two Manhattan iced teas and then sip a 40 on the 40 during play. But just because I fell asleep in the stadium’s dumpster doesn’t mean I’m some Average Joe with a substance problem. That’s insulting. I’m a bonafide, salaried sports journalist.

No run-of-the-mill ‘alkie’ can be relied upon to get you the latest news on Atlanta Braves third base coach Ron Washington. They can’t tell you the deets of LeBron’s newest sweatband. They can’t even make up interesting storylines to post on Twitter after players refuse to talk to them because they smell like grain alcohol.

So, if you’re craving sports news as much as I’m craving vodka at all times, just know that such content is only made possible by professionals like me — fueled by whatever hard alcohol is on sale at Target and tips from my two best sources: Jack and Daniels.

Now, pardon me while I go cover an MLS game with this rum I forgot I had in my sock drawer. And if you see me fall down 20 rows of bleachers after fist-fighting an usher and pleading with my ex’s voicemail to take me back, you can rest assured I’m just doing my job.