Kirk Cousins Throws 17 Interceptions After ‘Doing Own Research’ On Opposing Defense

Vikings fans were dealt a devastating blow on Sunday, as quarterback Kirk Cousins threw 17 interceptions against San Francisco following promises to do his “own research” on the 49ers’ defense.

“When literally every higher-up in the NFL is telling you to ‘listen to your coaches,’ doesn’t that strike you as a little strange?” said the veteran, who also claimed before the game that the interception he threw back in the fall of 2020 had already given him natural immunity against future picks. “They all say stuff like ‘study film’ and ‘don’t throw into double coverage’… well, if that actually worked, then explain why quarterbacks who do all that stuff still sometimes get breakthrough interceptions?”

“It’s been rough. He keeps going on about how you can’t trust corporate-backed coaches who get their salaries from the NFL establishment to do what’s best for individual quarterbacks,” said Vikings coach Mike Zimmer, who noted that attempts to educate Cousins on the subject, such as having him sit down with the NFL’s Chief Defense-Reading Advisor, Peyton Manning, have been met with resistance. 

When asked what, exactly, he had been researching, Cousins named several prominent YouTubers, such as 13-year-old Madden prodigy xXxraz0rcl0wnxXx and someone going by the name CWentz92, both of whom Cousins claimed have alternative strategies to help fight off interceptions, but which the mainstream NFL Network refuses to talk about.

Ultimately to Cousins, though, it all comes down to individual liberty: “Whether anyone decides to take the NFL’s advice in handling defense or not, that’s their personal choice,” said the quarterback. “It’s not like one person getting intercepted could somehow affect the rest of the team.”