Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Concerned Fan: I’ve Just Been Informed Of Jackie Robinson
Like any red-blooded American, I love apple pie and baseball. And I was SHOCKED to learn about someone named “Jackie Robinson” playing America’s game. Look, I’ve seen A League of
You Asked, We Ignored: Here Comes More Horse Content!
In anticipation of last week’s Kentucky Derby, we here at Sports Riot spent several months preparing appropriate content. We spoke to the owner of Mystic Dan about the art of
Winning Kentucky Derby Owner Credits Success To Picking Right Two Horses To Fuck Each Other
The 150th Kentucky Derby took place at Churchill Downs today, with Mystik Dan coming out on top. And when Lance Gasaway, Mystik Dan’s owner, was asked what he credited most
Down To Earth: These Champion Thoroughbreds Eat From A Slop Bucket, Just Like You And Me
One would think Kentucky Derby superstars like American Pharaoh, Wise Dan, or California Chrome would look down their white-striped noses at anything less than the finest apples and oats. But
Quiz: Are You Wealthy And Inbred Enough To Sit In The Front Row Of The Kentucky Derby?
This year’s Kentucky Derby promises to attract all sorts of folks to Louisville’s Churchill Downs, but only a select few have what it takes to nab front-row seats. Here’s a
What You Can Do To Support Caleb Williams During This Difficult Time
The NFL Draft is complete despite an unfathomable tragedy that befell a highly touted Heisman Trophy winner with promise. Much to the horror and dismay of the country, USC’s own,
Quiz: Are These Raiders Fans Or Just Lost Juggalos At The Detroit NFL Draft
With two nights of NFL Draft behind us, we keep running into a similar type of person, they’re everywhere, it’s the constant stream of face painted felons across from us
Draft Watch: ‘Drake Maye Will Be Dead Before The Second Round’ And 4 Other Draft Predictions We Got Wrong
Mock Drafts are about BIG risk and BIG bets. Despite our Draft predictions being epic, unfortunately we got more than a few things wrong. Here are the five that aren’t
NFL Drafts Five-Star Prospect From Harvard Law To Obliterate CTE Lawsuits
In what most legal and sports analysts are calling a savvy move by its front office, the NFL announced today that they’d drafted Michael Sipolski, a first-round Harvard Law prospect,
