Winning Kentucky Derby Owner Credits Success To Picking Right Two Horses To Fuck Each Other

The 150th Kentucky Derby took place at Churchill Downs today, with Mystik Dan coming out on top. And when Lance Gasaway, Mystik Dan’s owner, was asked what he credited most for today’s win, he didn’t mince words, attributing the entire victory to his innate, uncanny ability to choose which two breeding horses should absolutely go to town on each other to make a new horse.

“Most outsiders mistakenly put too much emphasis on diet, exercise, and training, when real owners actually know it’s all about selecting the right horse parents to take each other to pound town,” said Gasaway. “And even with the race itself: yes, good jockeying, power and endurance are all factors, but let’s face it–what really matters is that horse’s parents’ mounting form, stroke tempo, number of positions, angle of attack, cock size, vulvar froth, proper horse o-face, et cetera. And no one is better than I am at assessing two horses’ ability to smash it straight into next week.”

It’s his innate horsefucking wisdom which has given Gasaway the nickname “The King Maker,” a name that became even more true with Mystik Dan’s win.

“Just by watching the powerful, uninhibited way Mystik Dan’s parents porked each other, I knew Mystik Dan would be a winner right away,” Gasaway reflected.

While the average horse racing team spends around $1.3 million on proper training facilities, ultra-formulated horse feed, and health examinations, Gasaway proudly told reporters that to secure Mystik Dan’s victory, he had only spent $562 on a camera, 5,000 cubic liters of Vaseline, and post-coital horse cigarettes. Despite some teams adopting similar methods, Gasaway, doesn’t seem too worried about the competition, either.

“I’m the best there is!” Gasaway exclaimed. “When it comes down to it, Bob Ballard couldn’t watch two horses fuck their way out of a paper bag!”

When asked about plans after the win, Lance Gasaway said he hoped to spend time with his grandchild, who had just reached breeding age and would be spending the summer being put out to pasture in the hopes his great-grandchildren will win the Olympics some day.