Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Sports Returns For On-Hour Reunion Special On ESPN 2
Could there be any better news today? Nearly 14 months after global events forced an abrupt season finale where Golf told close pals Tennis and Billiards that she was pregnant
Batter Needs This Walk To Hit 10,000 Steps
During a mid-game interview, Royals slugger Jose Blanco told on-field reporters that he needed his next at-bat to be a walk or he wouldn’t hit his daily 10,000 step milestone.
Cardboard Pirates Fans Leave Game During 7th Inning Stretch
Citing terrible defense, horrendous pitching, and safety issues; the entirety of cardboard fans in attendance at today’s Pirates game exited the PNC Park stands during the seventh inning stretch. After
Star Hockey Player Tired Of Getting Benched 37 Times A Game
Insisting that his stupid head coach just doesn’t understand the fundamentals of hockey, University of Michigan star forward Aiden Alexander during an postgame interview voiced his displeasure at getting benched
Orphanages Overrun By Calls For Chess Prodigies
Following the popularity of Netflix’s ‘The Queen’s Gambit,’ orphanages around the globe have been flooded with barren and fertile couples alike in search of their own orphan chess prodigy like
Marathon Winner Has No Idea How To Spend Rest Of Her Afternoon
After winning The Chicago Marathon last week, former Olympic gold medalist Kathrine Switzer told reporters that she has no clue what to do with the rest of her day. “I’ve
WWE Names Roman Reigns Independent Contractor Of The Month
Fresh off wrestling his 100th match of the month, Roman Reigns, through hard work, determination, and not accepting a single second of overtime pay, was awarded with the highest honor
JJ Watt Now State Of Arizona’s Youngest White Male
After announcing last week that he would soon become a Cardinal, JJ Watt also became Arizona’s youngest white male at 32 years old. The title was previously held by Kurt
LeBron’s 10 Best Dunks Described Because We Couldn’t Get The Footage
We rank his ten best, with words since we couldn’t get the footage. The Akron Amazer As a senior in high school, LeBron amazed fans with a dunk that saw
