Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Tua On Recovery Timeline: ‘My Name Is Samantha. I Am Twelve Years Old.’
Speaking to reporters for the first time since his concussion, Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins star quarterback, answered questions, and spoke about timeline and his eventual return. Tua approached the podium
This Day In Sports History: Billie Jean King Defeats Sexism For A Couple Of Hours
Remember sexism? Of course you do: It’s the prevailing law of the day! But what if we told you that on September 20, 1973, for a period of almost two
Pardon Our Delay: George Steinbrenner – Rest In Peace – (1930-2010)
For fourteen years, we have neglected to acknowledge the passing of New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. In doing so, we have misled our readers about Mr. Steinbrenner. Sports Riot
An Apology From Our Editors: Kirk Cousins Is Not A Member Of OutKast
Sports Riot has been oft-criticized for its bold segments on the intersection between music and sports: case in point, our three-part series on why Pete Rose should sing for System
Panthers Replace Bryce Young With Ginger-Piece-Of-Shit
The Carolina Panthers have seen enough from former #1 overall pick Bryce Young and are looking to level-up the position. “It’s high time we upgrade behind Center,” said Panthers head
Lincoln Financial Field Announces New Mega Sandwich To Stick In Your Fat Fucking Maw
EAGLES FANS REJOICE! For the Bird’s home opener tonight Lincoln Financial Field has announced a new “Philly Special” Sandwich that’s so big and so mega its creation is specifically for
Andy Reid Out 2-4 Weeks With Chicken Tenderitis
Shocking news out of the Kansas City Chiefs’ organization this morning. Head coach Andy Reid has announced he’s on injured reserve with a 3-4 week expected recovery time with the
Injury Report: Not-Caitlin-Clark Out For Season
BREAKING: Sports Riot has just been informed by the @wnba ‘s league fax machine (their only outbound communication device) that Not-Caitlin-Clark is out for the season. “Our hearts are broken
Tua Tagovailoa One Concussion Away From US Senate
Tua Tagovailoa was concussed and knocked out of the Bills/Dolphins game last night. A scary scene with many asking the question, “Should he hang it up for good?” Others in-the-know
