Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Antonio Brown Out 4-6 Weeks With Dislocated Thoughts
The injuries are piling up this NFL season, and sadly the Buccaneers’ Antonio Brown appears to be no exception, as reports indicate the veteran wide receiver will be sidelined for
Mike Richards Hired As New Packers Quarterback
This former game show host is the new Green Bay Packers starting quarterback: Who is Mike Richards? After a months-long process to find the next Packers quarterback, the organization selected
Is Your Child Addicted To NFL Redzone?
It’s a parent’s worst nightmare. You walk into your child’s room. It’s dark. They haven’t left in days, and you find them under their Raiders blanket, strung out from a
Jaguars Fans Swear If Trevor Lawrence Wins A Super Bowl He’ll Never Have To Pay For Bag Of Meth In Jacksonville
Jacksonville fans made a promise to Trevor Lawrence this past weekend that if the rookie QB wins the team a Super Bowl, he will never again have to pay for
Ranking NFC East Fanbases From Completely Insufferable To Adorably Violent
The NFC East is the worst. The teams, the coaches, and most importantly, the fans. We’ve ranked them from completely insufferable all the way to adorably violent. Completely Insufferable—NY
Celtics Player Patiently Explains To His Children Daddy Can’t Be With Them Christmas Morning Because He Has To Go Lose To Milwaukee
Jason Taytum has spent today’s family game night patiently explaining to his kids that he’ll miss Christmas morning again this year, as he’s needed on an important work trip to
New Report Shows Millennial Quarterbacks Possess Only 5% As Much Wealth As Boomer Esiason
A new study released this week from the NFL’s Economic Policy Institute has pinpointed an alarming trend, showing that today’s Millennial quarterbacks possess only a fraction of the wealth of
Hear Us Out: More Chainsaws In Texas Team Logos
I think we can all agree that the most famous thing about Texas is the legendary “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” It’s literally all the state is known for, as far as
Report: Football Finally Receives FDA Approval
After over 100 years of research the FDA has finally given the go-ahead and approved Football. After initial trials dating back to the 1900s the game’s side-effects were much too
