Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
PGA Tour To Add Social Class Distancing
As professional golf prepares to resume after a nearly three-month quarantine, the PGA Tour has outlined their plans for a safe return, which features a strong emphasis on social class
Turns Out Boyfriend Can Rant About Things Besides Sports
Local woman and functioning adult Bridget Keenan called a press conference on Friday to share her startling discovery that, in the wake of the Covid-19 shutdown, boyfriend Michael O’Brien has
It’s Time To Make The Three-Point Line Invisible
So I’m sitting in my man-cave, Rockets are playing the Jazz [some rerun from 2019 on ESPN even though I haven’t watched the NBA in years] and I see this
Aging Racehorse Settles For Job At Medieval Times
Former Triple Crown-winning racehorse Senator Lettuce announced his exit from the sport of kings via Twitter today, telling followers that he’s choosing instead to settle for the next chapter of
Underrated: Forfeiting At Halftime
In sports, we talk a lot about “overrated,” such as: overrated teams, overrated stats, or Tony Romo. But that begs the ultimate question, what about the most underrated and under
Road Team Finally Guesses Arena WiFi Password
After several attempts to gain access into Safeco Field’s WiFi network, the visiting Orlando Magic finally figured out the password that had eluded them in previous trips to the Barclays
Virtual NFL Draft Provides Blueprint On How To Break Into Kliff Kingsbury’s House
While the virtual NFL draft was a success on multiple fronts, some Phoenix viewers have noted that the event had one additional benefit: providing the perfect view to finally realize
Ranking The Top NBA Players Of All Time Currently On The Memphis Grizzlies
Figuring out the top NBA players of all time currently on the Memphis Grizzlies roster is a difficult task for most any sports publication – but not us. Here’s how
New NFL ‘PuntZone’ Gives Fans Access To Just The Punts
Responding to overwhelming demand from fans, the NFL announced today that it will launch its newest channel, NFL PuntZone, starting Week 1 this revolutionary new way of looking at football
