PGA Tour To Add Social Class Distancing

As professional golf prepares to resume after a nearly three-month quarantine, the PGA Tour has outlined their plans for a safe return, which features a strong emphasis on social class distancing.

Professional Golfers’ Association

Re: COVID-19 Policy Changes to Safely Return to Play

Dear Golf Lovers,

Thank you for your support and patience as we find our path in this new way of life. We trust you’ve all been staying safe in your gated communities. As it appears we have successfully flattened the curve, the PGA Tour is set to return with a renewed commitment to the health and safety of our wealthiest players, families, and fans.

The following guidelines have been put in place to protect our elites.

• All staff members, including but not limited to caddies, valet, grounds crew, servers, kitchen staff, pro shop, reception, and others, will be outfitted with hazmat suits for your safety.  
• Testing of the forensic accounting variety will be conducted for everyone arriving at the golf course. Anyone earning less than $2,757,000 annually will be asked to watch from a safe distance, specifically in their adorable little homes.
• All local hospitals have been purchased, disinfected, and cleared out of the less fortunate. In addition, we have flown in the country’s top doctors who are standing by in case any of our affluent guests happen to accidentally encounter the downtrodden.  

We are looking forward to getting back out there on the greens and fairways for the return of the game of kings, and we hope you’re too. Don’t forget: we’re all in this together!