Turns Out Boyfriend Can Rant About Things Besides Sports

Local woman and functioning adult Bridget Keenan called a press conference on Friday to share her startling discovery that, in the wake of the Covid-19 shutdown, boyfriend Michael O’Brien has proven himself capable of going on furious, long-winded rants about a wide range of topics, all of which are completely unrelated to sports.

“When the MLB announced it had suspended its season initially, I thought for sure this would unleash a whole new version of Mike… like maybe one with lower blood pressure and a healthy awareness of the give-and-take of normal conversation,” said Keenan, making sure to nod attentively at O’Brien as he continued to yell reasons why Robert Pattinson will make for an unconvincing Batman from across the room, “But it turns out he’s just as unrelentingly bitter and angry about practically everything else in his life. Who knew?”

According to Keenan, in the past six days, O’Brien has gone off on over 900 individual rants, consisting of a staggering 496 different non-sports-related topics which he felt were either criminally underrated or undeservedly worshiped by a drooling mass of bandwagon Neanderthal fanboys incapable, in O’Brien’s words, of “even the semblance of an original fucking thought.”

“It’s truly incredible to witness up close,” said Keenan, “One minute he’s not shutting up about the unforced error the Trump administration made in its handling of farm subsidies, and then he’ll seamlessly transition to not shutting up about how Ace Frehley should have been taken before John Frusciante in his fantasy rock band league. It’s like he never missed a beat.”

As a coping strategy, Keenan is plotting out 15-minute intervals in which to randomly agree with her boyfriend’s constant opinionating until he runs out of steam—projected to be next Wednesday, when O’Brien will decide enough time has passed for him to start re-watching The Last Dance.