Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
ISIS Buys PGA
In an unexpected move, the Professional Golfers Association made an announcement on Friday that “phase two” of merging with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf League, the organization had accepted a buyout
“I Should Kayak” And 5 Other Thoughts At Dick’s Sporting Goods That Cause Insurmountable Debt
Ever wander through a Dick’s and picture for yourself a brand-new life, one that has you paddling down some death-defying rapids? Truth is, you can have the rapids or the
Hide The Children: One Of The Flyers Players Got Blood On The Ice And The Taste Of It Has Activated Gritty
Chaos erupted today when Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty consumed a pool of blood on the ice, activating a never-before-seen primal rage that sent him on a 92-minute rampage that left
Aaron Rodgers Discovers Theoretical Fifth Down
Aaron Rodgers has done it again. The former Jets quarterback — who has won four League MVPs, hosted “Jeopardy!”, and was named the “NFL’s Deepest Thinker” by his Instagram bio
Who Saw That Coming? Gritty Absolutely Cleaning House On Christian Mingle
Hockey Mascot. Orange Prankster. Monster of God? In a move that many didn’t see coming, the Philadelphia Flyers beloved mascot Gritty is absolutely cleaning house on the Christian Mingle dating
Report: Designated Hitter Secretly Hoping Foul Ball Would Hit That Ugly Kid
Sources close to A’s DH Billy Doyle reported Monday that the slugger was secretly hoping a ball he’d skyed to right field in the sixth would connect with the super
Fans Rejoice! Bodybuilding Competition Finally Adds ‘Most Shrunken Scrotum’ Category
The International Fitness and Bodybuilding Federation announced today that they will be adding a “Most Shrunken Scrotum” category to competition, following years of outcry for its inclusion. The move comes
If This Were The Golden Era Of NHL Hockey, Would You Know?
What if I told you that absolutely insane, once-in-a-century things are happening in hockey right now? That’s right: What MJ and the Bulls did to the NBA in the ‘90s,
Halftime At NBA Game Perfect Time For Shorter, Worse Basketball Game
As a lifelong Bucks fan, I’ve witnessed amazing things — from Kareem’s skyhook in double overtime of the finals in ’74 to Giannis securing us our first championship in 50
