Fans Rejoice! Bodybuilding Competition Finally Adds ‘Most Shrunken Scrotum’ Category

The International Fitness and Bodybuilding Federation announced today that they will be adding a “Most Shrunken Scrotum” category to competition, following years of outcry for its inclusion. The move comes on the heels of several large fan-led petitions for the genitalia to be judged equally alongside the other grotesqueries of bodybuilding.

And competitors are just as excited as the fans. “This sport is as much about losses as it is gains,” said bodybuilder Rodney Jewell, pointing proudly to the flattened crotch of his unitard. “A good scrotum should be tanned, oiled, and — most of all — airtight. It’s gotta be shrink-wrapped tighter than a set of Titlelists. And, like in all bodybuilding, the veinier the better.” 

So how does one turn his grapes into raisins? Some, like Eric Beans, a favorite to win the category in March, rely on their “God-given shrunken scrotum.”

But for others it’s more of a sacrifice. “Cutting scrote is the last and, I’d argue, most difficult step,” said competitor Lou Smallstone. “Usually I put mine through ‘two-a-dicks’ — two dick workouts a day — to get it down to size.” Smallstone outlined his routine of sack starvation, cock cardio, and tying a tiny trash bag around the scrotum. 

Of course certain less-endowed proprietors have been accused of “doping” by dehydrating their genitals or soaking their scrota in ice water before competition. Others have even resorted to the use of anabolic steroids — an alarming first in the sport — to achieve the perfect scrotal shriveling. But not Smallstone. “No way,” he said. “I want all the kids out there to know I hydrate my scrotum every day. And so should you!”  

Depending on the success of this new category, the IFBB will consider adding “Thickest Chest Hair” and “Most Swollen Labia” to the women’s categories.