Report: Designated Hitter Secretly Hoping Foul Ball Would Hit That Ugly Kid

Sources close to A’s DH Billy Doyle reported Monday that the slugger was secretly hoping a ball he’d skyed to right field in the sixth would connect with the super fugly kid in section 139. 

Doyle, 33, who’d already worked a full count off Twins’ reliever Moby Hatcher, reportedly tracked his monster bomb carefully after walloping it high in the air. Several replays from different angles show Doyle trying first to nudge the ball into foul territory before dropping his bat and — summoning Carlton Fisk in the 1975 World Series — openly waving the ball into foul territory towards the face of that ginger-haired little cretin in the stands with his peepaw. 

“I had my target,” Doyle said of the moonshot. “But dammit if I can never hit my targets.” He compared it to a similar shot a month ago, in Atlanta, where he tried to scorch a line drive into some dumpy-looking kid with a back brace in the front row. Instead of a screaming foul ball, however, Doyle had to settle for a standup triple. 

He suffered a similar fate with Monday’s blast when, to the fans’ delight and Doyle’s great disappointment, the ball hooked fair for a game-winning home run. Doyle trotted the bases grudgingly, shaking his head.

In a postgame interview, Doyle admitted that 22 years ago, in his hometown of Oakland, he was drilled in the corrective headgear by a foul ball off the bat of A’s DH Jason Giambi. “I’m in the Bigs now because of that hit,” said Doyle, whose nickname, “Pukeface,” was also given by Giambi. “It made me who I am today.” 

Choking up, he said,  “And that’s exactly what I wanted for that ugly little asswipe in 139. So I really put my hips into it and tried to demolish him — assuming he survived it — into the future he deserves.” 

Added Doyle: “I hope you get there someday, little buddy.”