Hide The Children: One Of The Flyers Players Got Blood On The Ice And The Taste Of It Has Activated Gritty

Chaos erupted today when Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty consumed a pool of blood on the ice, activating a never-before-seen primal rage that sent him on a 92-minute rampage that left thousands dead.

“This is not a drill — Gritty has tasted blood, I repeat Gritty has tasted blood. Grab your children and proceed to the designated Gritty Shelters,” announced an emergency recording. “If you are unable, please shelter in place until Gritty’s blood rage subsides. If you are with an elderly relative, abandon them immediately and save yourself — they’re already dead.”

While fans sprinted for the Club Level Gritty Shelters, one trapped man miraculously survived by hiding behind a row of seats, watching in horror as Gritty swallowed the Penguins’ goalie whole — pads and all.

“I tried to run but Gritty was blocking the exit. As he feasted, his eyes dilated and he tore his shirt off, revealing his naked body covered in glowing, ancient runes,” said Brian Willis, giving a statement from an ambulance. “The image of Gritty rubbing his erect nipples that were as long as pool noodles will be seared in my mind forever.”

While the death toll climbed, one Flyers staffer saved hundreds after enacting ‘Gritty Protocol,’ which soothes the orange beast by playing Philadelphia pop rock duo Hall & Oates over the loudspeaker.

“I sprinted for the booth and smashed the glass case containing their hit song Maneater,” said Flyers staffer Craig Reynolds. “Gritty burst into the room and just when I thought I was dead, their soothing synth melodies filled the air. He burped a spine onto my lap, stroked my cheek with the back of his bloody hand and then abruptly left. Thank you, Hall & Oates.”

Though thousands died, Gritty’s blood rage reportedly only killed opposing Penguins fans, as Philadelphia citizen’s cockroach-like resilience rendered them too difficult to kill.