“I Should Kayak” And 5 Other Thoughts At Dick’s Sporting Goods That Cause Insurmountable Debt
Ever wander through a Dick’s and picture for yourself a brand-new life, one that has you paddling down some death-defying rapids? Truth is, you can have the rapids or the solvency — not both. Here are six common thoughts we all have at Dick’s guaranteed to cause insurmountable debt.
- “I Should Kayak”
Agreed! And the best part? That $3,000 kayak is just the beginning. Before you know it, you’re wearing a helmet-and-GORE-TEX combo that gets your car repossessed faster than you can say “delinquent payment.” But hey, maybe you can kayak to work?
- “I Need a Sail”
Wait, for the kayak? Why not?! The point is — holy shit — you’re never going to come across a sail-sale like this again. FYI, it’s online-only because they ship it from San Diego, the only Dick’s that carries sails. And if the sail doesn’t fit the kayak (it won’t), maybe you could rent the sail out a couple days a week?
- “A Crossbow. That’s me.”
Brilliant insight! Flash-forward to a church-sponsored crossbowing/titty-bar-hopping tour of Boone County, Missouri. The park fee is outrageous, Father Wisnewski is ripped, and how the hell do you plan to transport this 200-pound razorback to Chicago? Psst: Your TenPoint Nitro crossbow ($4,099) comes with WiFi! Just email your wife to wire you some dough.
- “Fuck It — I’m Going Pro”
The NBA is such a good way to pay down your debt. Seeing as you missed varsity by a smidge your senior year, you’ll need a coach, a trainer, a dietician — and might as well get started with some reasonable basketball sneakers at a decent price. That crossbow really set you back.
- “I Should Return The Sail I Just Bought”
Ooh, sorry, bro: It’s store policy not to take returns on sails.
- “I’m Going to Rob This Fucking Place”
Maybe check out our mask selection in “Hunting”? None of our guns are loaded, but Peggy at register four doesn’t know that. Congratulations! Now your only debt is to society!
Tune in next week when we list the top 7 basketball teams at Stateville Prison you should totally try to join.
