Halftime At NBA Game Perfect Time For Shorter, Worse Basketball Game

As a lifelong Bucks fan, I’ve witnessed amazing things — from Kareem’s skyhook in double overtime of the finals in ’74 to Giannis securing us our first championship in 50 years. But believe me when I tell you that nothing — absolutely NOTHING — compares to the front office’s divinely inspired, unparalleled genius idea to let us watch two Milwaukee public elementary schools duke it out at halftime. 

Holy Little-League-Reject Christ, how blessed I am to bear witness to the ecstatic joys and cataclysmic pitfalls that come from watching clueless, asthmatic gingers brick the ball directly under the rim. I mean, did I win the ‘Luckiest Man of the Year’ award or something? 

Get lost, you professional cheerleaders with your New-York-10 sex appeal and skillfully choreographed dance routines — make way for Jackson the underdeveloped third grader! He’s about to trip over his untied laces and scream-cry in an octave that’ll make half of Milwaukee’s stray dog population start clawing at the entrance gate! 

God almighty, this is some 2000s-American-Idol-level entertainment. Someone tell TNT to cut back from commercial, I’m pretty sure it’s about to be 2-0. Only took the uncoordinated little shits five minutes.

Do we think they do this to try and sell more alcohol? Because after that reach-in foul call caused one of them to pee his shorts, I swear I blinked and my 24-ounce Miller drained itself. 

Oh, good: the coach called a timeout. Yeah, take your time, pal. I bet you’re drawing up another brilliant scheme where they all run directly under the basket while not even paying attention to where the fucking ball is. I can’t believe I get to see nine whole more minutes of this breathtaking goddamn Game of the Century!

Eh, you know what? I’m five beers in now and I gotta admit: At least these kids don’t flop.