Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Brian Daboll Punishing Players for Lack of Effort by Making Them Wear Giants Jerseys and Play On Sundays
Since the dawn of time, football and punishment have walked harmoniously hand in hand. Running laps. 1AM scrimmages. Vince Lombardi’s famous guillotine. But then there are times when punishment goes
Win Now: Giants Go All-In With Trade Offer For Colts Stud QB Daniel Jones
The New York Giants might have finally found the missing piece to this season’s puzzle, and it’s not a new defensive end to balance out lineman Dexter Lawrence. Instead they’ve
Dak Prescott Predicts NFC Championship Run, NFL Reviewing Film For Severe Hit To Head
The blue tent is coming out early this year for Cowboys gunslinger Dak Prescott. After announcing to reporters that America’s Team is “primed for a deep playoff run,” the QB
Bears Fan Dies From Either Broken Or Clogged Heart
Last Sunday, Chicago Bears superfan Brian “Jowls” Wishnowski peacefully passed on to that great Lou Malnati’s in the sky. Autopsy results were inconclusive, revealing that the lifelong Soldier Field regular
Conspiracy Theorist Thinks Andrew Luck Could Still Be Alive
It’s been nearly 2,000 days since former QB Andrew Luck was last seen, sprouting many theories as to his whereabouts. Our source, who chooses to be anonymous due to fear
This Day In Sports History: Manti Te’o’s Imaginary Girlfriend Loses Courageous Battle With Imaginary Leukemia
On this day in 2012, a day of imaginary tragedy, Manti Te’o lost his beloved imaginary girlfriend to the ravages of imaginary leukemia. Her imaginary heroism inspired Te’o both on
Jalen Carter Says Spitting On Dak Prescott Was ‘The Worst Thing He’s Ever Done,’ So Don’t Bother Googling Him Or Anything
On opening night, Eagles DT Jalen Carter was ejected from competition for what Carter is calling, “The worst thing I’ve ever done in my life, period. No further investigation needed.”
Sources: The Busts At Canton Come Alive At Night And They Won’t Stop Using Racial Slurs
Officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame are investigating a bizarre phenomenon in which bronze busts of former NFL legends appear to come alive after hours—and IMMEDIATELY begin shouting
RFK Jr. Calling On NFL To Ban Helmets In Favor Of Locally Sourced Organic Ingredients
Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. called for a top-down ban on football helmets Wednesday, saying there was no proof that such “head-inoculations” protect players from
