Savvy Jerry Jones Knows He’s Just One Generationally Talented Edge Rusher Away From Success

Jerry Jones knows how to win. More importantly, Jerry Jones knows that Jerry Jones knows how to win. And Jerry Jones knows that his Cowboys are one big-time edge rusher away from winning right now.

“I can feel it in my bones—we are just one future Hall of Fame defensive end from bringing a championship back to Texas,” mused Jerry Jones.

“We know it’s going to cost us. If you want to succeed in this league, you’ve got to be willing to pay,” said Jerry’s son and Cowboys COO Stephen Jones. “We’ve set aside $188M over 4 years to show how serious we are. We’re going to make this guy the highest-paid non-quarterback in NFL history!”

“Hell, elite pass rushers are about as rare as hen’s teeth,” acknowledged Jerry Jones. “We’re workin’ like a borrowed mule on our homework. We think our guy’s gotta be about 6′ 3″, 250 lbs., maybe someone out of Penn State. Them rascals are as scarce as chicken lips.”

“I hear the Packers have a guy,” adds Jerry. “I’ve been trying to connect with their owner, but I keep getting sent to a Greg in Appleton, Wisconsin. Heard from some of the players that that Micha Parsons fella knows a thing or two about defense. Connected with him but no dice.”

Yet to find his guy, frustration has clearly set in for Jones. “I’m just hoppin’ mad at our GM. When I find out who that is, he’s gonna get an earful. Who knows…maybe we already had that player and that sumbitch let him go! We should be swimming in Lombardis instead of drowning in playoff losses. Until we find our guy, I guess we’ll just keep throwing more money at Dak.”