Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Tragedy Strikes Rudy Gobert Again As He Realizes ICU Nurse Gave Him Fake Number
At a press conference this afternoon, Jazz center Rudy Gobert announced tragedy has struck him yet again: an ICU nurse has given him a fake phone number. “I thought that
Cleveland Found To Finally Be Thriving Without Sports
As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to cripple America’s economy there is little left to get excited about. Sports are certainly not one of the “exciting” topics as they’ve been cancelled
Did COVID-19 Fix Baseball’s Regular Season?
Do we really need a regular season for baseball at all? No. Here’s why: COVID-19 fixed baseball’s regular season. No one really enjoys baseball’s regular season, but who doesn’t love
Elon Musk Announces Plan To Make L.A. Chargers Obsolete In Under Four Years
Announcing the next phase in his multi-business energy plan, Elon Musk told a crowd of shareholders at Tesla HQ that he is developing the technology to make the Los Angeles
Hear Us Out: NASCAR But With Airplanes
NASCAR is a beloved sport, but it’s overdue for a major, and quite frankly, obvious upgrade. The way we see it: NASCAR is the finest sport in human history, but
Top Five Legendary Moments Of Michael Jordan’s Career (Voted By Washington Wizards Fans)
Arguably the greatest basketball player of all time, Michael Jordan enjoyed an illustrious career filled with countless highlights and accomplishments, including a stint in professional baseball, but which moments standout
NFL Discovers Thousands Of Tapes Of You Cooking Dinner Filmed By The Patriots
A year-long investigation into the New England Patriots by NFL culinary agents has revealed in a bombshell report that the franchise has been filming you cook dinner for years and
If This Is Such A Big Game, Where The Hell Is Bob Costas?
If this is such a big game, where the hell is Bob Costas? The pre-show-pre-game, no Bob Costas. The pre-game, no Bob Costas. The introduction to the game, NO BOB
Horse Puts Injured Jockey Out Of His Misery
A local racehorse had to make the agonizing decision to put down her jockey today at Churchill Downs racetrack following a devastating injury. Racehorse Boston Baked Bean discovered her jockey,
