Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
“Extreme Basketball!” Shouts Vince McMahon Frantically Searching For Piece Of Paper
According to numerous witnesses present at the local Starbuck’s yesterday, WWE executive and XFL founder Vince McMahon, a patron during the morning rush, suddenly shouted “extreme basketball” before hurriedly looking
NFL Owners Release Joint Statement In Support Of Money
Responding to the financial unrest unfolding across the United States, NFL owners today released a joint statement bravely supporting the production, acquisition, and protection of money. “We find it reprehensible
Report: “Great Game” Deserves Some Ice Cream, Don’t You Think?
Wow, whatta game! That kind of performance deserves a McDonald’s cone or maybe even a Blizzard, don’t you think? ⠀ I gotta say, the red team played really well, but
No One At 49ers Zoom Meeting Going To Tell Richard Sherman He’s On Mute
A very unsurprising conflict has emerged within the 49ers’ current Zoom conference meeting, as multiple players are reporting that no one wants to inform fellow teammate, Richard Sherman, that his
World Series Of Poker Plagued By Betting Scandal
An FBI investigation into the World Series Of Poker (WSOP) has unearthed a massive betting scandal corrupting the event from the inside out. According to a report from the Bureau,
ESPN Wins Broadcast Rights To All Six Seasons Of “Becker”
After struggling to find programming to fill airtime, ESPN announced this week that they have acquired the broadcast rights to all six seasons of Becker, which will become a cornerstone
Is The Fighting Irish Mascot Insensitive To Ireland’s Well-Documented History Of Cowardice?
The Notre Dame Leprechaun presents an impossible dichotomy: How in the world does an institution like Notre Dame spit in the face of Ireland’s well-documented history of cowardice by presenting
PGA Tour To Add Social Class Distancing
As professional golf prepares to resume after a nearly three-month quarantine, the PGA Tour has outlined their plans for a safe return, which features a strong emphasis on social class
Turns Out Boyfriend Can Rant About Things Besides Sports
Local woman and functioning adult Bridget Keenan called a press conference on Friday to share her startling discovery that, in the wake of the Covid-19 shutdown, boyfriend Michael O’Brien has
