Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Report: United States Willing To Trade Nukes To Serbia For More Nikola Jokics
During a joint press conference with the US Department of Defense and the NBA, the United States today formally announced that they would be willing to trade nuclear warheads to
Want Gains? Which Pre-Workout Mid-Workout Post-Workout Powder Should You Constantly Shovel Into Your Weak Fucking Face?
Hey, bro. You lift? You powder? You lift but you don’t powder? Dude . . . You do know powder’s key, right? You have to be ingesting powder at all
We Investigate: Why Did The NBA All-Star Game Fail To Heal America?
Despite bringing together the biggest and brightest basketball, social activist, political, and artistic luminaries from all over this great republic for the annual tradition of national healing, this year’s NBA
Report: Top 5 Other Conspiracies Kyrie Irving Also Believes Happened On The Grassy Knoll
Flat Earther Kyrie Irving is the NBA’s conspiracy GOAT. And today, Uncle Drew just dropped another 5 piping-hot-crackpipe conspiracies about that little patch of greenery in Dallas referred to as
Breaking: Gritty Bends Over On Ice To Give Birth To Smaller Amniotic-Fluid-Soaked Gritty
Onlookers at Wells Fargo Center were given a rare, beautiful glimpse into the natural world on Wednesday, as beloved Flyers mascot Gritty paused from riling up the crowd in the
An Apology From Our Editors: Wilt Chamberlain Was Not On The Challenger, As Previously Reported
On January 29, 1986, Sports Riot heroically covered the Space Shuttle Challenger’s abbreviated flight and sudden disintegration 46,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. Wilt Chamberlain was not, however, on that
Report: If We Can’t Football No More, What Can Do? By: Robert Gronkowski
Football! Now that football gone, does mean gone forever? What are we when football leave? I am football man Robert Gronkowski and I asking: When we can’t football no more,
Report: ESPN NFL Power Rankings List To Enjoy 6 Months Of Wild, Baseless Speculation
ESPN assured fans Monday that, though they won’t see another official down until Labor Day, the network will continue to pump out cutting-edge, unfounded, and downright bizarre guesswork for its
Report: “Elder Abuse” And 5 Other Crimes Travis Kelce Can Get Away With
Travis Kelce is America’s Tight End. He wins Super Bowls, dates starlets, and abuses elders. You love it. We love it. Like – what can’t he do? More importantly —
