Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Dick Sucking: Should We Add It To Football?
Like most Americans, we’ve been thinking a lot about how to improve the NFL and the game we love. And it got us thinking: Should we add dick-sucking to football?
Zach Wilson To Star in ’80 For Brady’ Porn Parody
Despite the recent benching to 3rd-string backup quarterback, Zach Wilson isn’t letting anything stop him from pursuing his dreams. Citing his deep affinity for the original, the Jets quarterback surprised
Help! Aaron Rodgers Is Bored And Won’t Stop DMing Us ‘Alien Autopsy’ Highlights
With the Jets season over, when we at Sports Riot got our first DM from Aaron Rodgers, we were stoked. But what we first saw as a blessing, soon turned
Baltimore Man Correctly Living In Fear That Ray Lewis Could Be Around Any Corner
Like most Baltimore residents, Beau Robinson makes a point to be indoors before nightfall, correctly fearing that Ray Lewis could be lurking around any and every corner. According to Baltimore
Aaron Rodgers Announces Plans To Astral-Project Into Tim Boyle’s Body
Saying he has a “contingency plan” if his healing timeline does not pan out, injured Jets superstar Aaron Rodgers held a press conference on Tuesday to announce that he intended
Opinion: Switch Pucks And Footballs For One Wild Weekend
Most sports fans can agree that football and hockey have become stale. Hitting a puck with a stick? Yawn. Throwing a football? Snooze city. However, there is a way to
Opinion: If The NFL Were So Concerned About Concussions, They Would Eliminate Heads From The Game
Every now and again, the NFL pretends to care about the mountains of evidence showing that repeated blows to the head cause brain trauma. I’m sick of their virtue signaling.
Jared Goff Ranked As City Of Detroit’s Second-Biggest Villain After God
New Detroit Free Press rankings list Lion’s quarterback Jared Goff as the city’s second-biggest villain right after God Almighty, who has topped the list since the 1970s. “The Lord has
The Top Five NFL Teams Ranked By This Eagles Fan With A Gun Aimed At The Back Of My Head
There’s nothing sports journalists love more than sitting down and crunching out rankings for NFL teams. But sometimes when there are circumstances beyond our control — like lax security measures
