Report: ESPN NFL Power Rankings List To Enjoy 6 Months Of Wild, Baseless Speculation

ESPN assured fans Monday that, though they won’t see another official down until Labor Day, the network will continue to pump out cutting-edge, unfounded, and downright bizarre guesswork for its millions of faithful this offseason. 

Network chairman Jimmy Pitaro said the season may be over, but that “now comes the best part.” He’s confident fans will agree when they see what experts, statisticians, and a team of men who don’t give a shit cook up for them every Monday morning for the next 30 weeks. 

“We run a twenty-four-hour news network, so it really is a game of volume. But we’re not so desperate in the offseason that we need to resort to baseball or, dear God, hockey,” said Pitaro at a press conference at ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT. “We know our audience. We’re saying, ‘Hey, guess what time it is? Are you ready for anything we think of that given day? Brady’s coming out of retirement. Dick Butkus isn’t dead anymore. Let’s go.’” 

Pitaro’s team is already working on what he termed “mind-numbing speculation for dumbasses,” which of course will include a weekly ranking of 32 teams even though none of the players are in any way active. Sample features include “Tyreek Hill Shows Kindness To A Child; Fins Drop To 17,” “Aaron Rodgers Reconnects With His Family As Jets Slide Into 28th,” and “Taylor Swift Dumps Travis Kelce; Chiefs Down 2 Spots.” 

And the network won’t shy away from what Pitaro calls “really bland and mundane shit,” such as “Mayfield Gets First-Ever Massage; Bucs Up 1,”  “Packers Add Seat To Stadium, Stay Put,” and “Falcons Draft Penix, Move Up Half A Spot, But You’re Not Even Reading This Entry.” According to Pitaro, it doesn’t matter if the posts are uneventful, ludicrous, or physically impossible. “These drooling idiots will consume it if it’s football.”

Pitaro then concluded the press conference by reassuring fans that in every possible scenario, the Panthers will remain 32nd. “There’s just nothing we could do,” said Pitaro.