Report: “Elder Abuse” And 5 Other Crimes Travis Kelce Can Get Away With

Travis Kelce is America’s Tight End. He wins Super Bowls, dates starlets, and abuses elders. You love it. We love it. Like – what can’t he do? More importantly — gosh-it’s-hard-to-focus-we-love-him-so-much — what wouldn’t we let him get away with?

Elder Abuse:

Poor 65 year old Andy Reid got between a man and a man’s mission to be on television and assault an elder. We’re on Travis’ side though, that ‘ol walrus had it coming.

Beating The Shit Out Of A Minor:

Kyle Shanahan is a little boy. For Travis to ruthlessly bludgeon him before a Doritos commercial break was tough to watch. But then that commercial, though? Right? What were we talking about? Oh, right – Kyle Shanahan is a child.

Releasing Another Christmas Album:

It’s the second quarter of the Super Bowl and we all got the same notification: Another Kelce Christmas Album. To be honest, we actually enjoyed “Baby, it’s Kelce Outside”.

MGM Grand Casino Heist:

You thought the Super Bowl was the prize? Heh. You’ve been watching too closely, Aaron Rodgers. That’s right, we’re speaking directly to you Aaron. You didn’t see that over $400 Million went missing at halftime? Was that really Travis Kelce in the first half? Or a body double? WAS IT, AARON? WAS IT?

Violating Anti-Trust Laws To Increase The Valuation Of His Series-B Tech Start Up:

When Travis announced “Kelc” an AI Assistant that rivals Google’s Bard, Silicon Valley thought it was a joke. Despite violating every anti-trust and regulatory compliance law in the playbook, Google acquired “Kelc” for $1.2 Billion earlier in December. “Kelc – Google” offices just opened their doors last week in downtown San Francisco.

Travis 2, Bay Area 0.

Taylor Swift:

Sheesh. Talk about a step down. I mean this is Travis fucking Kelce, we’re talking about. He went to the prestigious University of Cincinnati, had his own show “Catching Kelce” that we all watched, says things like, “when fat people fall, it’s like slow motion entertainment.”

Leave, Taylor. You’ll never be on our beloved Travis’ level.

 

Join us next week for “Patrick Mahomes Wins Super Bowl… With Sharks??!” and 5 other wacky 2024 NFL script ideas.