Want Gains? Which Pre-Workout Mid-Workout Post-Workout Powder Should You Constantly Shovel Into Your Weak Fucking Face?

Hey, bro. You lift? You powder? You lift but you don’t powder? Dude . . . You do know powder’s key, right? You have to be ingesting powder at all times. You need to be drinking protein shakes, downing dry tablespoons of powder, snorting powder, injecting powder into your glutes. I’m not talking between sets, bro. I’m talking between reps. Hit a squat. Powder. Another squat. Powder. Everybody knows it takes three people to lift. One to squat. Two to spot. Three to powder.

You’re still not powdering, are you? I can tell. Eat this. It’s powder. I know what you’re thinking. Your weak-ass face can’t shovel it down. Did Michael Jordan stop powdering because he had the flu? No. He powdered better with the flu. You’ll lift better even if you’ve got a ball of saliva-glued powder stuck in your throat. The only remedy? More powder. It takes four people to lift. A fifth massages the throat.

The stuff I got? Goat cum and xanthan gum boiled down to a powder. Cum and gum. What else? Crushed monkey pineal glands. Ox heart, dried and ground up into a powder in a manual pencil sharpener. Mix it with powdered milk. Can’t get ox heart? You know what works surprisingly well? Metamucil. Why? IT’S A POWDER. My penis is inverted. It is inverted.

“Why protein shakes?” Are we asking questions, or are you with me, bro? I did say protein shakes. But do it the special way. Put powder in water, boil it to powder again. Chop it up with a credit card. Snort it off a pen cap. Boom. Be a man. What do you mean you can’t be a man?

You’re what?

Gender fluid?

Fuck that.

GENDER POWDER.