Breaking: Gritty Bends Over On Ice To Give Birth To Smaller Amniotic-Fluid-Soaked Gritty

Onlookers at Wells Fargo Center were given a rare, beautiful glimpse into the natural world on Wednesday, as beloved Flyers mascot Gritty paused from riling up the crowd in the middle of the second period so that he could bend over and give live birth to an adorable, googly-eyed, placenta-covered offspring.

“As soon as Gritty clutched his stomach and the medical staff rushed over, I turned my children’s heads to make sure they wouldn’t miss it,” said Flyers season ticket holder Joshua Torrey, who mentioned that the gnarled mass of matted fur surrounding the taint made it impossible to tell whether Gritty was birthing his young from his anal cavity or from the urethral canal of his massive, thickly veined penis. “I’ll never forget the excited look in my daughter’s eyes as she said her very first full sentence: ‘Look, daddy! Gritty’s crowning!’

While the birth was expected to be sometime within the month, Flyers general manager Daniel Briere mentioned how delighted he was that the rare event had occurred during game time, and that Gritty’s chosen birthing positioning of bending over and spreading his gluteal cheeks towards the crowd while softly moaning and maintaining eye contact with each and every fan had allowed the Flyers’ many fans to get a full, unobstructed view of one of nature’s miracles.

“Our advertisers weren’t even mad that it took 20 minutes to scrape the frozen mix of blood, fecal matter and birthing fluids off the ice,” added Briere, “For that one, brief moment, no one was thinking about our playoff drought, or beating the shit out of a Pens fan. We were all one, watching a seven-foot-tall monster squirt out a dripping, horrifically shrieking copy of himself.”

According to reports, Gritty was then quickly escorted to the Flyers locker room, where he gave birth to five more offspring, all of which he promptly devoured.