Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
After A Hockey Game Ends, Who Drinks The Melted Ice?
Listen. Everybody knows that hockey teams cook the pucks and donate them to food banks after each game. But what happens to the ice that gets melted every time? Who
Disney Announces “Angels In The Octagon”
Disney announced this week that its new “Angels In the Octagon” will be set in the popular cage-fighting world of mixed martial arts. Billed as a ‘spiritual sequel’ to the
Quiz: Are You A Zamboni Or Golf Cart?
Take this short quiz to find out if you’re totes a Zamboni or rocking more of a golf cart vibe. Be sure to share your results in the comments!
Hear Us Out: Golf But Minaturized And Filled With Unexpected Obstacles
While watching golf the other day, it dawned on me that golf has a lot of room for improvement. Luckily, I’ve a solution: a miniaturized variant filled with unexpected obstacles.
Reggie Miller Brings Excitement Level Down To 8/10 For Family Funeral
NBA Hall of Fame inductee Reggie Miller is known for bringing a high level of excitement in everything he does, whether it’s his play on the court or his excitable
Oh Goddam It: Ironman Contender Accidentally Left Bike All The Way Out In Middle Of Ocean
Furiously and repeatedly asking himself if he really just fucking did that, Ironman contender and own harshest critic, Ivan Vanhanen, had barely finished removing his wet suit when he realized
Simone Biles Generously Folds Self Into Overhead Bin For Sold-Out Flight
United Flight 447 broke out into cheers Thursday when four-time Olympic gold medalist Simone Biles generously gave up her seat on the overbooked flight and instead folded herself into the
Pro Skater Invents Sick New Way To Rupture Spleen
Not since Tony Hawk blew away the skating world in 1999 when he debuted the craziest way to shatter your ankle has the pro skating world seen such an important
National League Pitcher Hoping This Cy Young Award Will Make Up For All Those Times He Grounded Out
Citing terrible defense, horrendous pitching, and safety issues; the entirety of cardboard fans in attendance at today’s Pirates game exited the PNC Park stands during the seventh inning stretch. After
