Pro Skater Invents Sick New Way To Rupture Spleen

Not since Tony Hawk blew away the skating world in 1999 when he debuted the craziest way to shatter your ankle has the pro skating world seen such an important invention as Nyjah Huston’s sick, new way to rupture your spleen.

Huston managed this insane feat yesterday at an abandoned chemical plant he discovered in the outskirts of Mexico City, where rails, ramps, and pool-like vats that once held industrial solvents were plentiful for him to carve out his tricks. “After searching for years, I knew it was the only place I could pull this off,” the goofy-footed Huston told reporters from the ICU.

Success did not come right away for the skater, though. “I practiced day-in and day-out for about a month, but I kept landing my tricks perfectly, smooth as silk, without even a concussion,” he said. “Things seemed hopeless.”

But Huston’s spleen would not remain intact for long.

On his 1,674th attempt, Huston completed a nosegrind down a 50-foot spiral staircase, ollied off a kickflip ramp over two benzene tanks, and finally landed in an in-ground vat, where he eventually came out from a varial 720 and landed spleen-first on the lever of a control panel.

“The cheering was almost as loud as the sound of his organ exploding,” skating legend Bob Burnquist, said of the crowd on scene. “I didn’t think Nyjah could do it. Puncture your lungs? Sure. Brain bleeds? Yeah. But rupture your spleen in this new way? No one has even come close to it,” he added. “We witnessed the gnarliest miracle.”

Huston was proud to learn the professional skating world has already dubbed the trick a “Spleen McTwist,” and says he can’t wait until his organ donation comes through to get back on his board again. 

In the meantime, Huston says he will have to get all his sick air from his breathing tube.