Oh Goddam It: Ironman Contender Accidentally Left Bike All The Way Out In Middle Of Ocean

Furiously and repeatedly asking himself if he really just fucking did that, Ironman contender and own harshest critic, Ivan Vanhanen, had barely finished removing his wet suit when he realized he’d accidentally left his goddamn bicycle all the way out in the middle of the goddamn ocean.

“Goddamnit, son of a bitch!” commented the 32-year old Vanhanen, seen frantically searching the event’s Bike Lot in hopes of finding something unlocked. “You just HAD to wear your $3,000 Ventum Z as a backpack, didn’t you, IVAN?? You were going to REVOLUTIONIZE Ironmanning for GENERATIONS, weren’t you, IVAN?!”

According to his fellow swimmers/runners/bicyclists, the mix-up is only Vanhanen’s most recent in a long history of mid-competition mental errors. 

“A few years ago he showed up for the swim in one of those head-to-toe Cuba Gooding Jr. diving suits because he claimed it helped him preserve his lungs,” said legendary Ironwoman and Men Of Honor superfan, Daniella Ryf, “And then last year, of course, was his infamous Motorcycle Massacre. You probably saw that one on the news. Let me just tell you – much bloodier in person.”

Although discouraged by this year’s disqualification, Vanhanen says he plans to return for next year’s Ironman – provided he can first remember what fucking shopping mall he inadvertently left his children inside.