Hear Us Out: Golf But Minaturized And Filled With Unexpected Obstacles

While watching golf the other day, it dawned on me that golf has a lot of room for improvement. Luckily, I’ve a solution: a miniaturized variant filled with unexpected obstacles.

Golf has entirely too much walking. If we shrink the course while keeping people the same size, we can cut down on golfer fatigue. No longer will stamina interfere with your handicap. Not to mention, a shorter course is friendly for all ages. Easier for kids to focus and easier for adults to maintain their buzz throughout the round. 

Lose your ball? Shouldn’t be too hard to find. In tiny golf, the color of your ball matches your club—that’s right, I’ve thought of everything! And it’s a club. Singular. You can kiss that heavy bag goodbye. Break a tee? Forget to tip your caddy? Nope. You never had a tee, and your “caddy” has a real job making slushies and handing out Chinese finger cuffs in the clubhouse arcade.

Golf courses are also boring. Just trees, grass, and the occasional pond. Let’s add some human ingenuity to the landscape. Have you ever been to the Netherlands? Some small Dutch buildings with blades moved by wind could be fun—blades that may block your ball from entering a tunnel leading to the cup. You won’t see that at Augusta. You also won’t see any functional water hazards like a little river that transports your ball from the tee box atop a fake mountain down to the perfectly manicured turf green seven or so stairs below.

Not sold, yet? How about three cups that lead somewhere on the green, but you’re not quite sure where? The element of chance. Lady Luck, do your worst! How about the sounds of aluminum baseball bats hitting screaming line drives during your backswing? No ‘Quiet Please’ sign can silence the batting cages ten feet from the pin. Better learn to focus!

Money tight? Not a problem in tiny golf. Wear whatever ya got. Get a hole in one on 18 and score a free round! Sorry, can’t keep the ball, though. It’s automatically returned to management through magical tunnels. Oh, one last thing: the whole sha-bang glows in the dark! Find me a country club that can do that!