Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
State Of Florida Mandates Fan Must Test Positive For COVID Before Attending Super Bowl
Today, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced a series of executive orders designed to imprint the character and spirit of the state of Florida onto Sunday’s Super Bowl. Among a myriad
Halftime Show Surprise Guest Revealed To Be Category 4 Hurricane
After weeks of speculation, a leaked email revealed today that a category 4 hurricane will be the surprise guest during The Weeknd’s Super Bowl LV halftime show. Hurricane Alicia, the
Everyone’s A Winner! NFL To Donate Unused Championship Merchandise From Losing Team To Aaron Rodgers
While professional football is filled with positive messages of teamwork and endurance, one unfortunate drawback is that not everyone can be a champion. The losers walk away feeling less special
75-Year-Old Tom Brady Travels Back In Time To Warn Self Not To Retire Before Hitting Prime 2034
Emerging from a Lombardi Trophy-shaped time machine moments before Tom Brady took the field during the Super Bowl, a disheveled 75-year-old Tom Brady reportedly warned his past self not to
65-Year-Old Harkens Back To The Who’s Legendary Halftime Performance From 10 Years Ago
Upon awakening in his chair from his daily, albeit spontaneous, afternoon nap, 65-year-old grandfather of four, Tyler Lang, waxed nostalgic over The Who’s legendary Super Bowl Halftime Show from 10
It’s Modern Times: Why Can’t I Take A Steam Locomotive To The Super Bowl?
In so many ways, we are living in the future. When I got up this morning, the modern world’s explosion of music options meant that I was able to peruse
Super Bowl Commercial Just A Commercial
Despite hundreds of thousands of write-ins expressing their life-changing experiences as a result of harrowing stories of life, loss and grand achievement, the NFL released a joint statement Friday that
Brady or Mahomes: Who Would You Rather Kiss In The Moonlight?
Okay, readers, I have a confession: I haven’t kissed any professional quarterbacks yet, and, like, yeah, I know it’s a big deal, but I just want to be special, that’s
Roger Goodell Asks Adam Silver For Secret To Befriending Black Athletes
Boldly crossing league lines, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asked NBA commissioner Adam Silver for the secret to how he got black athletes to like him and want to be his
