Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Good Seats Wasted on Bad Son
A father of three adult sons announced today that the luxury box seats that had been gifted to him last minute by a former colleague had been completely wasted on
Pete Rose Wins The Over On How Long He’d Be Kept Out Of The Hall Of Fame
Former baseball player and current gambler, Pete Rose, added another big win to his legacy by successfully betting the over on how many years would go by without him being
Overfishing Forces Anglers To Start Targeting Scuba Divers
Since the United States Game and Fish Warden Committee announced that all lake, pond, stream, and deep-sea areas are overfished, anglers have now started targeting scuba divers. Jack Larson, a
Michael Jordan Loses Charlotte Hornets At Craps Table
In the latest of a string of ill-advised bets made by the Hall of Fame shooting guard, this Wednesday Michael Jordan reportedly gambled away his ownership stake in the Charlotte
Who Are The Big Three Top Ten GOAT Teams Of All-Star Time
The conversation of who is the greatest of all-star time begins and ends with Michael Jordan, but also continues with LeBron James, although Kobe Bryant has something to say about
Rebel On Ice: Meet The Bad Boy Of Curling Who Insists On Using A Rake
“From the top to the bottom, this whole sport is a flipping fraud,” said Zach Chandler, the rake-wielding bad boy who is redefining curling as we know it. Shattering his
Study: ED Medication Not Actually Capable Of Helping You Throw A Football Through A Tire Swing
An alarming new Duke University study has found that erectile dysfunction medications do not help its users throw a football through a tire swing, despite what television commercials for these
Gatorade Announces Return To Original Recipe
Declaring it the greatest advancement in hydration since the invention of bottles, Gatorade held a press conference this Thursday to announce they will be returning to a 100% pure gator
Heartwarming: MLB Player Cites ‘The Sandlot’ As Inspiration For Releasing Ferocious Dog On His Neighbor’s Kids
Speaking to reporters in the locker room after throwing his second no-hitter of the season, Los Angeles Dodgers’ pitcher Dexter Robinson discussed many of the events that have shaped him
