Rebel On Ice: Meet The Bad Boy Of Curling Who Insists On Using A Rake

“From the top to the bottom, this whole sport is a flipping fraud,” said Zach Chandler, the rake-wielding bad boy who is redefining curling as we know it. Shattering his Red Dog across the ice after his latest blowout victory, it’s easy to see the appeal of the cemetery groundskeeper turned international superstar.

“All I do is get out there and rake my leaves. The fame and success? I don’t worry about that,” said the mulleted rebel before yelling at the cheering crowd that he’s not their hero. “We’re born alone. We die alone. And me? I curl alone.”

While viewership is way up, curling purists say that he disrespects the sport, adding that the jagged and chipped ice surface leads to fractured ankles and irritating match delays. Still, his fans, known informally as the “Leaves Crew,” say that he brings the depravity and multiple arrest warrants that the sport needs.

“I saw him vomit on an opponent’s curling stone then put out his cigarette on the ice before the first time he ever bludgeoned an official scorer with his rake,” said Jeff Withers, a longtime fan of Chandler’s. “It was magic.”

Although he often drunkenly interrupts matches by flipping off opponents, his contemporaries undoubtedly respect Chandler’s refreshing take on curling.

“He doesn’t follow the rules,” said World Curling Federation member Jeremy Day. “And we just don’t feel safe.”