Study: ED Medication Not Actually Capable Of Helping You Throw A Football Through A Tire Swing

An alarming new Duke University study has found that erectile dysfunction medications do not help its users throw a football through a tire swing, despite what television commercials for these products show.

Researchers tested the efficacy of popular ED drugs like Cialis and Levitra on improving a baby boomer’s ability to toss a football through a tire swing in a simulated backyard at their North Carolina lab.

“Our team constructed a setting that included a green lawn, the distant hum of a lawnmower, and a half-refurbished classic car in the garage,” said lead researcher Dr. Isaac Kogan. “While 60% of men achieved an erection while changing the oil on the 1963 Corvette, we were stunned to find that none of them were able to throw a ball near the tire swing, and 4% went into cardiac arrest.”

While many of the boomers in the study had once played football in their youth, years of sedentary lifestyles left the participants’ once virile throwing arms soft and floppy. 

“No matter how many hours their erections lasted, many men could hardly throw a spiral anymore, let alone get one in the hole,” Dr. Kogan said.

Several related studies support Dr. Kogan’s results. Boston University researchers confirmed ED drugs do not help you drive your golf ball harder or farther, while a Stanford study proved ED medications do not make you capable of rowing a two-person boat.