Gatorade Announces Return To Original Recipe

Declaring it the greatest advancement in hydration since the invention of bottles, Gatorade held a press conference this Thursday to announce they will be returning to a 100% pure gator formula. 

“Somewhere along the way we moved away from gators due to scarcity, but at the end of the day, nothing brings your team back from a 21-point deficit like a cold-blooded glass of freshly-blended apex predator,” said Gatorade spokesman, Jeff Nimmer. “Heck, those intoxicated biology students won us the Orange Bowl back in ’67 just by blending a live gator and convincing the players to drink it.”

While the sugar used in modern Gatorade can put consumers at risk of ailments such as diabetes and heart disease, Nimmer emphasized that the only side effects of Gatorade Classic are quenching your thirst and turning you into a flipping alpha. “Gators are brimming with the electrolytes that we’ve been trying to emulate artificially—rather unsuccessfully, I might add—for years. Plus, they’re paleo.”

Before ending the press conference, Zimmer shot down the possibility of releasing new flavors in the future, insisting that, “Gatorade makes sports beverages, not junk food.”