Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Is Kevin Durant 5 Hall Of Famers Away From Another Title?
Some fans call him soft. Others, like Twitter user @DevinKurant argue he’s the greatest of all time. Since the superstar forward has lacked elite talent around him throughout his career,
Debate Time: Tom Brady Vs Joe Montana, But It’s 1792 Japan And They Both Have Throwing Stars
It’s a debate as old as time: Tom Brady vs. Joe Montana. Who would win? Who’s the greatest ever? We know what you’re thinking, dear reader. What if this was
Jacksonville Jaguars GM Mulls Over Which Prospect They Want To Ruin With 2023 No. 1 Pick
Sources close to Jacksonville Jaguars general manager Trent Baalke have reported that the team seems tantalizingly close to finalizing which college football player’s life they will decide to irrevocably destroy
NASCAR Disbands After Nissan Leaf Makes It Through Qualifying
The organization formerly known as NASCAR disbanded Thursday following the qualifying of its first-ever Nissan Leaf. The Daytona 500 takes the top 42 qualifiers of Bluegreen Vacations Duel’s 150-lap race;
Next Global Pandemic Traced Back To Whatever’s In This NASCAR Chili Dog
The CDC reported Sunday to have traced the cause of the next pandemic to whatever is inside this NASCAR chili dog. The health agency sent a team of leading scientists
Finally: NFL Releases Statement Denying Pat Tillman Died Of CTE
Nearly 20 years after Pat Tillman’s death, the NFL has finally clarified the former Arizona Cardinals safety did not die of CTE while on patrol in Afghanistan. Commissioner Roger Goodell
Brother-Sister Figure Skating Duo Definitely Fucking, Right?
The other day, I was sitting in my home, enjoying figure skating like all red-blooded American men do. Tragically, my joy quickly dissipated when a tandem of brother-sister figure skating
In Last Ditch Effort To Avoid War With Russia, Joe Biden Deploys 1980 Olympic Hockey Team
Joe Biden deployed the full roster of the 1980 United States Olympic Hockey Team to eastern Ukraine this past weekend in hopes the ragtag group could pull off another miracle
After Years Of Signals, Pitcher And Catcher Live Happily Ever After
Following three years of shaking off catcher Tommy Belisle’s signals, Tacoma Rainiers pitcher Richie Stein has finally nodded “yes.” The Triple-A teammates met in 2019, when Stein was called up
