Report: Corn-Infused Shit Lying In Bowl Of Your Toilet Frontrunner For Lions QB Job

It looks like there’s already a quarterback controversy brewing in the Motor City. According to reporting from ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the corn-infused shit that’s lying in the bowl of your toilet is the current frontrunner to be the Lions No. 1 quarterback.

The clump of shit caked with various bits of half-digested corn brings a unique approach to game management, one that caught Lions coaching staff’s eye after they entered your bathroom.

“This is a guy who’s slick and hard to get a hold of. He’s slippery in the pocket, and scouts love that he’s big and won’t get pushed around,” Schefter said, praising the shit’s impressive mental fortitude.

Lions head coach Dan Campbell was noncommittal about preferring the clumpy shit in your bowl in a radio appearance on 97.1 The Ticket: “Look, we know huge piles of shit have been successful in this league before.

“When I first caught a glimpse of this monster, I said to our GM Brad Holmes, ‘This is a very self-aware clump of shit. He cares about improving his game,’” Campbell said, adding that when he went to your house to meet with the corn-nugget-populated shit, he told the fecal sensation “your spot is not guaranteed” and that “you have to go out and earn it every week.”

In his media availability, the corn-impacted shit cake demonstrated the poise scouts love.

After practice the corn-infused shit pile addressed the media, “I’m here to lead and win. But first, before practice I ate a lot of Mexican. I need to run to the bathroom and take a wicked Jared Goff.”