Report: Rising Gas Prices Force NFL Owners To Jet Pool

With gas prices soaring across the country, the NFL’s billionaire team owners have reportedly turned to jetpooling to battle the rising cost of private jet travel.

“Can you believe these dang gas prices have got me sharing one of my private jets? I haven’t been this humiliated since the last 10 times the Cowboys made the playoffs,” said Jerry Jones, jostling with John Mara for the middle armrest. “Now I can’t even go to my own in-flight massage room because Robert Kraft won’t stop hogging it.”

Whether its suffering Stephen Ross’ custom Limp Bizkit mixtapes or enduring lengthy international flights with opponents, the adjustment has been difficult across the league.

“I already told the Glazer family I’d pick them up in Tampa on the way to our game in Munich, but now Shahid Khan wants me to drop him off for the Jaguars’ London game on the way,” said Seahawks owner Jody Allen. “Normally I wouldn’t mind, but last time I tried to pick him up he got flagged for additional security screening and we ended up being late for the owner’s meeting.”

But not all owners have been struggling with the shift. Dan Snyder has used the opportunity to steal all the airplane-sized pretzels to resell at Washington Commanders’ games, and Raiders owner Mark Davis seemed to be enjoying the bonding time.

“If only my daddy could see me now, riding on a private jet like a real-life billionaire,” said Davis, kicking his legs into Dean Spanos’ seat. “This is great, I’m saving a fortune on gas and I get to hang out with all my pals! Hey, who wants to ‘revenue share’ me a couple bucks so I can rent the new Thor movie on-demand?”

By gametime, all 32 owners announced that they would be threatening to move their teams to San Antonio unless they received public funding to subsidize a new fleet of fully-fueled private jets.