Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Savvy Baserunner Executes Rare Hidden Bat Trick
Illustrating just how much of a student of the game he is, Chicago Cubs third baseman Kris Bryant executed a rare hidden bat trick against the Cincinnati Reds today, leading
Report: Major League Soccer Is Back Or Has Disbanded Or Something
According to sources at the local pub, Major League Soccer is back or has disbanded or something. Based on chatter around the bar, it sounds like the MLS has either
Little League Player Day-To-Day With Broken Family
The A.J. Plumbing Co. Hornets little league baseball team today announced that outfielder Tyler Jeffries has sustained an injury to his family system and is day-to-day with a broken family.
Doctors Unsure If Football Should Return In 2020 Or Ever
Following a recent report out of the National Institute of Health, doctors now say they’re unsure whether football should return this season or ever again. “We’ve come to the conclusion
To Comply With CDC Guidelines, NFL Mandates All Linemen Must Be Six Feet Wide
In a press statement released on Wednesday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell laid out how the NFL will proceed in adhering to CDC safety guidelines during the 2020 season, noting that
Should Tom Brady’s Madden Rating Be Higher Or Am I Just Projecting My Own Insecurities?
Somebody, please help me! Am I just anxious about approaching middle age or should Tom Brady be higher than a 90 overall in the new Madden? We’re talking about a
Jerry Jones Asks Dak Prescott If He’d Ever Considered Becoming A White Quarterback
During contract negotiations with starting quarterback Dak Prescott, curiosity struck Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, prompting him to ask the veteran signal-caller if he ever considered becoming a white quarterback.
ESPN To Immediately Remake All Ten Episodes Of The Last Dance
Get ready to relive your favorite moments from The Last Dance, with all new bonus features and extra content, as ESPN has announced they will be remaking the hit docuseries
Hear Us Out: Basketball But It’s Just The Fourth Quarter
Basketball has long been a great sport, but what’s the point of those first three quarters of regulation? Why bother with the worst parts of the game? It’s a well
