Should Tom Brady’s Madden Rating Be Higher Or Am I Just Projecting My Own Insecurities?

Somebody, please help me! Am I just anxious about approaching middle age or should Tom Brady be higher than a 90 overall in the new Madden?

We’re talking about a man with nine Super Bowl appearances and six rings, here! A man who holds 54 NFL records. A man who is really, really handsome. Or are we really talking about another man who is also 43 who was recently diagnosed with low testosterone?

Brady should be a 99, which is at least 36 points higher than my rating in the game of everyday life. 

Despite the fact he has the most victories of any NFL player. And despite holding the record for most touchdown passes and having a super nice head of hair. And despite the fact that I haven’t had sex in seven of the last eight years, Brady’s rating has dropped six whole points. 

How does that make sense? This makes about as much sense as the ending of my last relationship and the court ruling entirely in her favor. I don’t get to see my kids? Tom Brady isn’t a 99? Wow, world. Wow. 

Tom and I have a lot in common, for example: I think people are underestimating him because he’s spent two full decades in the NFL and everyone thinks he’s slowing down. But did they forget he won league MVP only two years ago and that my car was repossessed for failing to make my loan payments?  I bet they did, but now it’s bulletin board material for Tom and I. 

Look, I’m not asking or saying much. I just think that like the GOAT of the NFL, I, Patrick, the GOAT of humans, deserves a little bit more respect.