To Comply With CDC Guidelines, NFL Mandates All Linemen Must Be Six Feet Wide

In a press statement released on Wednesday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell laid out how the NFL will proceed in adhering to CDC safety guidelines during the 2020 season, noting that all offensive and defensive linemen will be forced to be at least six feet in width, or risk ineligibility.

“Maintaining social distancing will be hard to do, so we’re really looking for our linemen to be the leaders in spacing out the field of play,” said Goodell speaking outside of Lambeau Field, where he had just returned with the Packers’ defensive line from their sixth McDonalds run of the day. “Athlete health is my number one concern, so we’re working tirelessly with every head coach in the League to make sure that their players get up to COVID-safe weight requirements of 800 pounds or more.”

CDC Director Robert Redfield applauded the move, noting that on top of merely providing distancing, the distended, fully convex fronts of the newly-engorged linemen would be the perfect shape to disperse COVID aerosol particles should any of the players’ stomachs be directly sneezed on.

Both Goodell and Redfield then addressed the already-intensive effort many linemen were displaying in achieving the required 450-plus-pound rapid weight gain.

“From stopping all cardio workouts, to single handedly close down Waffle Houses, I am consistently amazed at the drive and work ethic of these talented young men,” said Goodell. “I’m confident that thanks to their protection efforts, the NFL will be able to keep its top merchandise sellers safely huddled behind them, completely out of harm’s way.”

Goodell then went on to silence his critics by citing the recent autopsy of one particularly effective offensive tackle on the Pittsburgh Steelers, who was proven to have died of a non-COVID-related heart attack.