Report: Major League Soccer Is Back Or Has Disbanded Or Something

According to sources at the local pub, Major League Soccer is back or has disbanded or something. 

Based on chatter around the bar, it sounds like the MLS has either kicked off a post-COVID-19 tournament or that they’ve sold off every asset they have. With so many details still up in the air, inebriated fans are readily expecting absolutely anything or nothing from their beloved soccer league.

“I heard Drew Carey is personally financing the entire comeback using only his Price Is Right money,” said MLS fan and Boddington’s enthusiast, Phil Zhang. “But then again, I also heard the whole league is actively filing bankruptcy, so who knows. The only sure thing is that Ronaldo or Joe Pesci or someone is going to sing the national anthem on Opening Afternoon.”

With soccer finally back or totally gone from America or who-knows-what, well-established stars like Carlos Vela, Tim Tebow, and Bono have already begun practicing their goals or unemployment filing or what-have-yous.

“I can’t wait to see what Macauley Culkin does this season,” said a shrugging Zhang. “I bet he scores 14 three-pointers or runs for congress or, I dunno, is just kinda, like, who knows, you know?”

Further drinks went on to reveal that the MLS may not be back after all or that it is already back, but only in Italy. Only more Boddington’s will tell. Although, if previous MLS reports are any indication, the most likely outcome for the MLS is a god-awful hangover beginning promptly at dawn.